Sacred Loneliness –
Sometimes being caught between two opinions is not easy. I found myself sitting behind two lovely sisters from my ward at a youth sporting event earlier in the week. Although they were certainly not aware of the gulf between us, I was. I know things they don’t about church history and current policy. My view of the church is and forever will be tarnished by things that they have no idea whatsoever about. While they’re able to go about their busy lives in innocence, a dark cloud hangs over my relationship with the church that will never dissipate. In fact it can probably only get worse. I can never relate to people in the church with the same degree of innocence, because I’m not like them any more. At least not on the inside.
I sat through an adult scout meeting last night feeling very alone for much the same reason. All around me are the Eveready Energizer Bunny types that make scouting work (non-LDS, as most LDS scouters just go through the motions), and realizing that these people also are converted to an organization in a way I can never be again. The church was it. It was the Kingdom of God on the earth, and when the house lights came up and the church was just a manmade organization, my ability to give my heart to another group of people died.
I often sit in groups feeling very alone. I can’t be like them anymore. I know too much. I’ve eaten the apple. My innocence is gone. My only salvation is that, when all is said and done, I can count on the terrible price Christ paid so that my soul can go home again. With that knowledge, I think I can make it.